Famous Homer Simpson Quotes
All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
By Homer Simpson on Beer and the Brain
Kids are great, Appu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate and they practically raise themselves now-a-days, you know, with the internet and all.
By Homer Simpson on Child Rearing
Ah, the college roadtrip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?
By Homer Simpson on College Roadtrip
Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
By Homer Simpson on Females in Sports
My wife is not a doobie to be passed around! On our wedding day I promised to bogart her for life!
By Homer Simpson on Fidelity in Marriage
They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous, but if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die.
By Homer Simpson on Foam Poisoning
And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
By Homer Simpson on Homer on Education
America's health care system is second only to Japan ... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain ... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
By Homer Simpson on Homer on Health Care
Are you sure you're an accredited and honored pornographer?
By Homer Simpson on Homer on Pornographers
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
By Homer Simpson on Homer on the Bible
Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
By Homer Simpson on Homer on the Elderly
All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
By Homer Simpson on Homer's Liver
No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American Way.
By Homer Simpson on Job Satisfaction
Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever ... thy will be done. (munch munch munch)
By Homer Simpson on Offering to God
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing like that movie, Police Academy.
By Homer Simpson on Police Academy
Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.
By Homer Simpson on Sexual Harrassment
This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke : It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!
By Homer Simpson on Thermodynamics
I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
By Homer Simpson on White Male Power