Famous Humorous Quotes

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
By Ambrose Bierce on Anger

The average person thinks he isn’t.
By Larry Lorenzoni on Average People

Don’t be so humble - you are not that great.
By Golda Meir on Being Humble

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
By Dereke Bruce on Cats and Dogs

A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on.
By Samuel Goldwyn on Contracts

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
By George Bernard Shaw on Correctness

You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.
By Yogi Berra on Destinations

I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time.
By Charles Schultz on Dread

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
By Mae West on Evil

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
By Abraham Lincoln on Face

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
By George Burns on Faking It

Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much.
By Oscar Wilde on Forgiveness

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
By Mark Twain on Good Examples

I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean.
By G. K. Chesterton on Hot Water

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
By Woody Allen on Immortality

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
By Charles William Stubbs on Judgment

Know yourself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
By Ann Landers on Know Yourself

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
By Lewis Grizzard on Leadership

I always divide people into two groups. Those who live by what they know to be a lie, and those who live by what they believe, falsely, to be the truth.
By Christopher Hampton on Lies

Man is the only creature that refuses to be what he is.
By Albert Camus on Mankind

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
By Walt Disney on Mickey Mouse

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
By Henny Youngman on Money

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!
By Golda Meir on Moses

Give me a museum and I’ll fill it.
By Pablo Picasso on Museums

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
By Groucho Marx on Nudity

Nothing interferes with my concentration. You could put an orgy in my office and I wouldn't look up. Well, maybe once.
By Isaac Asimov on Orgies

Plato was a bore.
By Friedrich Nietzsche on Plato

I really didn't say everything I said.
By Yogi Berra on Quotes

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
By Scott Elledge on Retirement

Roses are red, Violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
By Oscar Levant on Schizophrenia

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
By Gore Vidal on Sex and TV

Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.
By W. C. Fields on Smiles

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
By Earl Nightingale on Success

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
By Oscar Wilde on Temptation

Many speak the truth when they say that they despise riches, but they mean the riches possessed by others.
By Charles Colton on Truth

Vote early and vote often.
By Al Capone on Voting

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
By Woody Allen on Women

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
By Woody Allen on Women

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.
By Broderick Crawford: on Words

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
By Bertrand Russell on Work

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
By A. J. Liebling on Writing

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous.
By Robert Benchley on Writing